When one or both partners in a relationship engage in fault-finding, it’s usually a sign that one or both partners are attempting to create emotional distance from the other. Frustratingly, those who are fearful of emotional intimacy are most often unaware of it. How fault-finding destroys relationships can stem from unresolved resentment, fear of intimacy (usually related to an avoidant attachment style) https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-style/, unrealistic expectations, and toxic behaviour from an abusive partner. https://sydneyhillscounselling.com.au/blog/red-flags-are-you-in-an-abusive-relationship/
In the first months of a relationship, a partner may seem enthusiastic and committed to their relationship, but over time, as the relationship becomes more emotionally close, fear may set in as a partner’s core issues about intimacy arise. It’s at this stage that individuals who fear intimacy may begin to find fault with their partner, often using fault-finding as a strategy to create emotional distance, which in turn can sabotage their relationship
To be clear, when referring to ‘faults’, I’m not referring to major abuse issues; rather, I’m referring to ‘petty issues’ which, when compared to a partner’s positive traits and qualities, seem magnified and out of proportion. Some petty issues that come to mind are being critical of a particular part of a partner’s physical appearance: “His nose is crooked”, “Her hands are like a man’s”, “He’s shorter than I’d prefer; I like my man to be tall”. Another petty issue is picking fault with a partner’s habit: “He goes to bed too early, and I’m a night-owl”, “She eats too slowly”, “He always wears that same old jacket!”. One other fault-finding favourite is when a partner suddenly changes their opinion about something which they once found endearing but now seems annoying, such as, “I used to love his 6.00 am good morning messages, but now I find them annoying”.
What Fault-Finding looks like in a relationship:
One partner has recurring negative thoughts regarding petty issues relating to the other partner.
Expressing criticism, blame and/or resentment about petty issues.
Actively criticising and/or belittling a partner over a trifling issue.
Expressing sudden doubt about the partner and the relationship based on petty issues which seem to come out of the blue.
Bringing up previous arguments and rehashing them.
John and Julie Gottman, renowned researchers and authors on marriage stability and divorce prediction, use the metaphor of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that depicts the end of times in the New Testament. They use this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to their research, can predict the end of a relationship. These four communication styles are:
Criticism: This is an attack on your partner at the core of their character, rather than a specific issue or behaviour. e.g: “You’re always talking about yourself. You never care about what other people have to say.”
Contempt: This is when we treat others with disrespect, taunt them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling. It’s used to make the other party feel worthless and/or despised.
Defensiveness: We may become defensive when we feel unjustly accused; we use excuses and sometimes play the innocent victim so that our partner retreats. It’s usually used in response to criticism.
Stonewalling: This usually follows when a partner withdraws from an interaction, shuts down, or stops responding to their partner. Instead of confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can use evasive tactics such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in distracting behaviours.
Managing conflict in a healthy way can help to improve a relationship. Here are Gottman’s antidotes to the Four Horsemen https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/
If your partner is the one engaging in fault-finding:
If you’re on the receiving end of fault-finding, you will often be surprised and taken aback by a partner’s sudden complaints. While some more emotionally mature individuals may suspect that the criticism comes from their partner’s underlying issues, if neither person realises that the fault-finding is an unconscious strategy to stave off emotional vulnerability, a couple could become stuck in an endless cycle of arguments and hurt feelings. If this cycle continues, the relationship will eventually become toxic, and at some point, one or both individuals will want to end the relationship.
Learn to recognise that much of the time, your partner probably doesn’t realise that he/she is finding fault as a way of creating emotional distance, and that fear of intimacy is usually the driving force behind it.
Try not to retaliate or get even by slinging a defensive dose of criticism their way, as this will only result in making the situation worse.
When you are both in a calm, relaxed state, open up a conversation with your partner and explain that as much as you care for them, his/her criticism is affecting you and your relationship in a negative way.
Discuss your fears of vulnerability (and theirs too) and what you can do together to make your relationship feel safer.
If You’re the one who’s engaging in fault-finding:
It’s not uncommon to feel vulnerable as you become emotionally close with a partner. If you find that you’re sabotaging your relationship because you’re fearful of getting closer, you are potentially causing pain to your partner, your relationship and yourself.
Here are some suggestions to help you when you suddenly find fault with your partner:
Take some time out to think about your partner’s ‘faults’ that never seemed to bother you before but now take up a considerable chunk of your thinking time.
Write a list of your partner’s faults and good points and see how this compares to who you know your partner to be, and your relationship in totality.
Ask yourself if you’re repeating a pattern from a past relationship/s or from childhood.
Listen closely when your partner expresses how your criticism / fault-finding makes them feel.
Ask yourself if you’re willing to destroy the relationship by continually criticising your partner.
Sometimes our fear of intimacy can be so overwhelming that fault-finding seems to be the only way we know to create enough emotional distance from our partner to make us feel safe. We keep repeating this same unhelpful and often toxic behaviour, which eventually destroys our intimate relationships. If you recognise the above traits in yourself or a significant other, you may benefit from seeking help from a professional, registered counsellor who can help you get to the core issues and help you to develop more helpful strategies to overcome your fear of intimacy. For further information, or to schedule a counselling session, please contact us today on (02) 9159-6277. Alternatively, you can email us at [email protected].
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