A healthy relationship, whether it be intimate, familial, a friendship, or a close working relationship, needs mutual respect to survive and thrive. Our relationships, however, can become complicated and messy when one person creates a triangle with a person outside of their primary relationship, in an attempt to ease the tension between themselves and the person they are in a relationship with. Triangulation in a relationship can lead to emotional distress, broken trust, and a significant breakdown of direct communication.
Relationships between two individuals (commonly referred to as a dyad) can at times become unstable when faced with stressful situations developing between individuals. Sometimes, bringing a third person into a dyad can be helpful when mediation is needed to settle disagreements, to gain a different perspective, or simply to seek support. On the downside, however, triangulation can prove to be very draining to those who have been chosen to act as the third party.
There is, however, a more toxic version of triangulation. This variant is a cruel and intentional ploy by narcissists where they purposely seek to control a situation for their own benefit. Dr Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author of the book ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist’, explains that triangulation is “a psychological threesome that you didn’t consent to.” She further states, “It is one of the narcissist’s favourite manipulations, and they use it to create chaos and then harness that chaos to control a situation and the people in that particular situation.” She explains how triangulation impacts relationships in this video:
A narcissistic parent may use triangulation by nominating one of their children as the ‘good child’ and the other as the ‘bad child’. This can be either subtle or very obvious; however, either way, this type of triangulation can lead to creating conflict and mistrust between siblings, especially when they are played off against each other. The ‘bad one’ is most often the scapegoat and usually experiences traumatic abuse; however, even the ‘good child’ doesn’t always escape unscathed. The ‘good child’ quite often suffers from survivor’s guilt when they finally realise what happened whilst they were growing up.
Triangulation is sadly all too common when an unsuspecting individual forms a romantic relationship with a narcissist. https://sydneyhillscounselling.com.au/blog/is-there-a-narcissist-in-your-life/The narcissist will use this particularly hurtful tactic, which involves bringing a third person into the relationship; usually an ex-partner or a work colleague. The narcissist generally uses this manipulative tactic because they are either bored and/or feel the need to stir things up. The narcissist uses this hurtful manoeuvre to create insecurity, and what it does is shift the balance of power in the relationship to themselves.
Narcissists are driven to keep their admirers close. They need attention; plenty of it, and they will do almost anything to keep the supply of attention flowing in abundance. The purpose of creating a love triangle is to make the narcissist’s partner feel insecure and undesirable so that their partner will have to work harder to please them. You will often find a narcissist openly flirting with other people, creating jealousy and insecurity, or they may openly and negatively compare their current partner to lovers in their past. The narcissist uses other people and love triangles to create jealousy and insecurity in their current relationship so that they ensure that they receive enough attention to feel highly desirable.
Many people who experience narcissistic triangulation aren’t aware of what’s really going on. The narcissist uses manipulative and hurtful tactics to make them feel insecure, off-kilter and constantly doubting themselves. Triangulation fosters mistrust between the individuals in the narcissist’s world because they’re all getting different versions of the narcissist’s story.
A typical example of triangulation was experienced by a client, Rebecca (not her real name). Rebecca had been with her partner Carl (not his real name) for about ten months. Carl frequently travelled for work and was often away for weeks at a time. Rebecca had fallen for Carl’s irresistible ‘love-bombing’ at the beginning of their relationship. Carl told Rebecca that he was falling in love with her within weeks of them starting to see each other, saying that she was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and that they were ‘meant to be’. He showered her with flowers and gifts, took her to concerts and wined and dined her at expensive restaurants. After six months or so of Carl’s undivided attention and devotion, there was one occasion when Carl returned from a business trip that Rebecca noticed that he was behaving differently towards her; slightly distracted and not as loving and attentive. She also noticed that Carl had stopped texting her as frequently as he did when they first got together. When this led to an argument, Carl told Rebecca that she was demanding and that he didn’t know whether he loved her anymore. Rebecca was hurt and confused; how could Carl say he loved her one minute and then say he wasn’t sure that he loved her the next? A few weeks later, Carl casually mentioned that his ex-girlfriend Kerryn had called in at his office to drop off a book he had loaned her a while ago. Rebecca told Carl that she wasn’t happy about his ex-girlfriend still being in touch with him and dropping into his workplace. Carl became agitated and told her that she was being silly and unreasonably jealous. Carl was, in fact, in frequent contact with his ex-girlfriend and spinning her a line that his new relationship with Rebecca wasn’t as good as their relationship had been, and that he missed the great times they shared together. Carl took his time, though, stringing both women along, creating insecurity and doubt in both of their minds. This triangle benefitted one person only: Carl. Carl received plenty of attention from two women, along with some fuel-filled drama to satisfy his need to control both women and his relationships with them.
Individuals who triangulate tend to view others as objects who are only meant to serve them when they need to feed their ego, or they see these individuals as an extension or reflection of themselves. If a parent treats one child as the ‘golden child’ and the other as ‘the exasperating one’, this is triangulation. If a romantic partner uses another person of the opposite sex to create jealousy, insecurity, hostility and/or drama, this too is triangulation. Triangulation isn’t an indication of the desirability or worthiness of the individuals being triangulated. It is simply used as ammunition by a narcissist to devalue their partners in the eyes of a third person or to devalue a current partner by comparing them to an ex-partner to make them feel devalued.
Triangulation can make a person doubt their sanity and create intense anxiety, self-doubt and a loss of self-esteem. If you believe you may be experiencing triangulation or narcissistic abuse, support is available. A professional, registered counsellor can identify what it is that you are experiencing, suggest strategies to help you cope and help you to find a way forward in a safe, emotionally healthy way. For further information, or to schedule a counselling session, contact us today on (02) 9159-6277 for a confidential chat on how we can help you, or alternatively, you can email us. at [email protected].
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