There are numerous things in my life I wish I had done differently. There are choices I made some years ago that, although they seemed like what I wanted at the time, turned out to be not such wise or great choices after all. Dealing with regret can be tough and can also leave you feeling disappointed or perhaps even guilty.
If most of us had the opportunity, there would undoubtedly be things about our past we’d like to be able to change; the job we passed up, the one who got away, the fight we wished we didn’t have, the hurtful words we wish we wouldn’t have said, the money we didn’t save, the move we wish we hadn’t made, the cheating partner we hadn’t recognised for what they were and so many more examples. We’ve probably realised at different times that we’ve made mistakes in what we’ve done and that we can’t go back and undo them or that it would simply be too difficult to do so.
Sometimes our regrets about our past can haunt us for years and can at times even seem to dominate our everyday thinking. Some of us ruminate endlessly about our past and wish that we had made different choices or behaved in a different way.
Regret can be a habit that’s hard to break. Other people may have told us to forget it, that we can’t change ‘what is’ and to move on. We may have been told to stop thinking about the past and to live in the present, to be mindful about making better choices next time and yet regret can continue to cling to us like stubborn layers of plastic wrap that we can’t seem to unravel ourselves from.
What is regret?
It can be a combination of a few things. There may have been a time when something gave us pleasure, and then it ended. We tend to hang on to the pleasurable things and regret the ending. For example, we may wish that we’d been wiser about how we handled our money. We may wish we had treated someone in a more respectful way. We may wish that we had tried to see another’s view as helpful rather than a way of controlling us. We may wish that we had loved more and in a less selfish way. We may wish that we had been a better partner, parent, colleague, boss, friend, and the list goes on.
What most of us tend to do is focus on the ending more than the pleasurable things that preceded it. We also tend to focus on what we see as our mistakes and find it hard to forgive ourselves. We may also need to learn how to trust others again. Regret may also lead to anxiety, which can continue to plague us for years.
So how do we come to terms with our regrets?
For some of us, it may be in the form of an apology, yet for others, it may be too late for this. If someone is still alive, an apology is possible; if they have died, then obviously, an apology will not be an option. Even if the person we’re apologising to doesn’t accept our apology, just the act of apologising can help to ease our regret. Apologies have a healing nature and can put to rest long-standing grudges that have at times seriously impacted the lives of our family and friends. So many regrets could have been avoided altogether with a genuine apology.
Reflecting on our actions, which caused our regret, can also be helpful.
Some helpful questions to reflect on:
Is there any way I could have acted differently given the information or experiences I had at the time?
Was I solely to blame for what happened or did anyone else contribute to the situation? (most people often take full responsibility for their mistakes, yet often don’t consider that there may have been other people or factors that contributed to the situation)
Were my actions or words out of alignment with my core values or a specific value? Learn more about identifying your values here
Is there anything I can do now, any steps I can take that will make a difference to how I think and feel about the regret?
If I could go back and ‘fix’ the situation, how would I act or behave differently given what I know and feel now?
How will I behave and respond in similar situations in the future?
The most important thing to do when we feel regret is to forgive ourselves. This can be challenging; however, it can be useful to remember that we all make mistakes. We’re human beings after all, and we can’t get it right all the time. If we know in our hearts that we did the best we could at the time, then we don’t need to suffer regret. We can learn from our past mistakes and take remedial action to prevent them from happening again. We can stop beating ourselves up and stop dwelling in the past. We can choose to look forwards, see what’s right in front of us and even better still, look forward to what lies ahead.
Professional help is available
If you lived through childhood trauma or neglect, you may have developed a distorted view of situations and assumed things were always your fault. At Sydney Hills Counselling, we can help you to recognise how your negative thoughts can lead to poor decision-making, and help you to make more positive decisions, so that there will be less to regret.
Counselling can also help you to determine what you value most in your life and help you to reach your potential and become the person you’re meant to be. Please contact Sydney Hills Counselling on (02) 9159 6277 to see how we can help you live a life with fewer regrets. Alternatively, you can email us at [email protected]. Sydney Hills Counselling offers face-to-face counselling and telehealth sessions via Zoom. Email us today to see how we can help you and create a safe space for you to address any personal challenges you may be experiencing at this time. Due to a recent increase in inquiries, contacting us via email rather than calling us will ensure a timely response to your inquiry. You are also welcome to leave a voice message on (02) 9159 6277.
Copyright © 2025 by Sydney Hills Counselling
