Esther Perel, a renowned Belgian psychotherapist and relationship expert, states, “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen” If you’ve been told that you make too many demands, are overly critical, or expect too much from others, it may be time to examine your expectations.
Sometimes, it’s the small expectations that often land us in more trouble in our closest relationships. https://www.tiktok.com/@elevate.podcasts/video/7465796899816230176?q=esther%20perel%20expectations&t=1757658336543 These can often cause a build-up of tension and make us appear to be a nagging, fault-finding, negative, partner, parent, family member, or friend. Having high expectations can also prevent us from enjoying our experiences with others, and is usually associated with a need to control people and outcomes to meet our own needs.
Having too many expectations often causes considerable stress and anxiety for ourselves and others, and can often lead to developing issues such as low self-esteem, fear of intimacy, and fear of failure. Expectations generally lead to disappointment, and the only person we should be expecting anything from is ourselves.
We all create our own reality; our expectations usually stem from what we want and wish for, including our hopes and our dreams. Sometimes, we expect that others should act in a particular way if they really love us, yet many of us rarely state what our needs are, believing that the other person should instinctively ‘know’ and meet them.
Here are some signs which may indicate that your expectations may be adversely affecting your close relationships:
There is constant conflict in your relationships:
Conflict happens in all relationships, even in healthy relationships. At some stage, in every relationship, we will experience some conflict. Constant conflict on the other hand, can cause significant pain to one or both parties. If you have been told that you’re too critical or demanding, even if it was in a light-hearted or humorous way, this could be a sign that eventually, the conflict will erupt at some stage. Constant criticism or making unreasonable demands of others can make them feel as if they are not good enough or that they are deficient in some way.
You believe it’s up to others to make you happy:
If you’re expecting that it’s up to your significant others to make you happy, you’re in for some serious disappointment. We are the only ones responsible for our moods and happiness. It would be wonderful if everyone behaved in ways that are pleasing to us, but the reality is that not everyone will act in ways that we are happy with, and things will not always go according to plan.
You believe that you should always be included in others’ plans:
If you believe that everything your loved ones do should include you, then you are placing an unreasonable expectation on your relationships. By having this expectation, you will feel let down if others don’t always include you, and if you express your disappointment or anger at this, they will feel pressured and perhaps resentful for always having to always include you in their plans.
You constantly feel let down by others:
This is a definite sign that you have unrealistic expectations and that you may be suffering from perfectionism. People aren’t perfect and if you place someone on a pedestal, they will eventually come crashing down from it, and you may feel dejected and resentful. If feeling let down by others happens more often than not for you, you may need to consider that perhaps it’s not others but your own starry-eyed expectations that let you down.
You always feel anxious in relationships:
Your mind may always be ‘scanning’ for what isn’t working, what’s flawed and this is a form of negative thinking. It becomes extremely difficult to enjoy the company of others if our minds are constantly busy scanning for the negatives. Believing that others will generally have good intentions towards us, but that they are not perfect, is a good start towards lowering any unrealistic expectations. Relationship anxiety can be the cause of some demanding behaviour in our relationships. https://sydneyhillscounselling.com.au/blog/do-relationships-make-you-feel-anxious/
So then, how can we adjust our expectations to be more realistic?
Make a list of the ‘unreasonable demands’ others say we’ve placed on them:
Doing this allows us to see how many demands significant others say we make of them. We can also make a list of what we expect from our significant others. We can then take a long, hard look at our list and evaluate whether or not our list of expectations is too long, or too unreasonable, and whether we may be able to adjust some of our expectations to something more reasonable.
Show some gratitude:
Recognise the positive things that your significant others bring to your life. Let them know that you notice what they do and remember to thank them and show your appreciation regularly. Realise that other people are mostly on your side and be grateful for the positive ways that they contribute to your life.
Be curious about your expectations:
Instead of reacting with criticism towards someone, try to slow down and question whether your expectation is, in fact, realistic. Is it reasonable that you expect your partner to have a sparkling clean home when she has a toddler and a new baby to look after? Is it reasonable that your child scores brilliantly in every school subject?
Choose your battles wisely:
When we disagree with someone close to us, it’s easy to become fixated on the minor details and focus on the importance of that. It can be helpful to pause and ask ourselves whether these ‘minor details’ really matter in the scheme of things and whether our expectations and preferences can be adjusted to find a middle path.
Learn to respect and be open to accepting another person’s point of view:
We all have different points of view, and it can be challenging to respect someone else’s point of view when it differs from our own. We can begin to practice acknowledging another person’s point of view, attempt to understand it, and then work towards creating a win-win outcome or agreement.
Express your preferences and expectations gently:
Sometimes, by focusing on someone’s mistakes and limitations, we are actually distracting ourselves from our own limitations. None of us is equipped with the ability to mind-read, and expecting someone close to us to intuitively ‘know’ what our preferences and expectations are is unrealistic. Modifying our approach by respectfully expressing our preferences and opinions, rather than demanding that they are met, can be much more effective.
The best place to begin to adjust our high expectations is to start with ourselves. Very often, our high expectations of others can stem from our own low self-esteem. We can start by noticing what we do right rather than wrong, and ask ourselves how we can be more compassionate towards ourselves when we don’t meet our own high expectations. When we demand too much from others, it can often be traced back to our early childhood. If our caregivers let us down time and time again, as adults, we will tend to project our unmet childhood needs and emotions onto our significant others, driving them away with our criticism and demands.
Examining where our high expectations came from can often be difficult to navigate. If you find yourself feeling confused, anxious, and/or overwhelmed when your expectations are not met, or if you would like support in navigating them, or if you suspect that they may be connected to deeper psychological issues, why not try a session of counselling
with a qualified, registered counsellor who will create a safe space for you to discuss any concerns you may have.
Sydney Hills Counselling offers face-to-face counselling appointments at Castle Hill and West Pennant Hills. We also offer Telehealth sessions via Zoom. Please contact us today to see how we can help you. Due to a recent increase in inquiries, contacting us via email at [email protected] rather than calling us, will ensure a timely response to your inquiry. You can also leave a voice or text message on (02) 9159-6277.
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