We all want to be in a loving, trusting, supportive relationship, so why do so many of us settle for less than we deserve? If you’re feeling confused in your current relationship or think you may be settling, read on!
When we settle for less in our relationships, it can create some undesirable consequences; emotionally and psychologically. Settling in a relationship can stem from having unrealistic expectations of what that relationship or our loved one is supposed to ‘be’. Symptoms of settling can show up as us feeling dissatisfied with how we’re being treated in our relationship and putting up with it, letting go of who we are as a separate being, and tending to let go of things that are important to who we are; our values, beliefs and our other significant relationships.
Before we enter a new relationship, some aspects we need to seriously consider are:
What do we want from the relationship?
What is it that we expect from a partner?
And most importantly, what will we tolerate and what won’t we tolerate?
We tend to choose partners who reflect how we see ourselves and our world. This, unfortunately, means that if we came from a dysfunctional family where our needs weren’t met as we were growing up, or worse still if we were abused by our caregivers, we will usually end up being attracted to people who treat us in more or less the same way. This is quite ironic, as many people who are searching for their special someone often end up choosing someone who’s dysfunctional in the same way their parents were and settling for a great deal less than they deserve.
Of course, in relationships, we need to be reasonable with our expectations. People we find ourselves attracted to and begin a relationship with, mostly seem great when our happy hormones are jumping for joy inside of us, but after a while, we discover that they, like us, aren’t perfect. We all have faults; our partners aren’t always going to give us 100% of what we need or want. However, if we want to be happy in a relationship, we also shouldn’t settle for less than we deserve.
Settling isn’t the same as accepting our partner’s faults; it’s much more than that. Settling feels like we’re trapped in a situation that is making us unhappy and unfulfilled. It can also create insecurity, fear of or dependence on the opinions of our partner. Settling is quite complex in that it means different things to different people.
Our lives today are much different from those of our parents and grandparents. Social changes have brought with them the freedoms that our predecessors didn’t have. These days, the commitment to stay in a relationship has given way to an attitude of moving on if the relationship is in difficulty or isn’t working. We no longer have to stay in or put up with unhappy relationships and marriages. These days we have the option to leave the relationship without negative social consequences or lack of support.
When we realise that we’re settling in a relationship, it can make us fearful of our future; “How will I cope?”, “Will I end up all by myself?”, “I’m getting older and may not be able to have children by the time someone else comes along,” and a myriad of other doubts.
So then, what are the reasons we ‘settle’ for relationships that don’t give us what we need?
We’re in Denial:
We may blind ourselves to any red flags that appear in the relationship, seeing only what we want to see and making excuses for or explaining away the rest. People show you who they are by the way they act and behave towards you. Don’t make excuses for bad behaviour!
The belief that we can change them
We may believe that we can change people into what we want them to be, assuming that they will somehow behave differently with us or that we can make them behave differently.
Sharon (not her real name) had an affair with a married man. She thought that as her lover left his wife for her, that she was the love of his life, and that he would never have an affair now that they were finally together. One year later, Sharon faced the painful reality of finding that not only had her lover cheated on her, but he had left her for another woman.
You have a fear of being abandoned
If we continually repress our needs, or if we don’t tell our partner what we want or expect from them because we fear that if we do, they will abandon us, they will be more likely to leave because they see us as a doormat. They feel that we will accept whatever they say, want or do, so the love and respect they may have felt for us early in the relationship begins to fade. Emotionally healthy partners respect a partner who tells them what they expect and need.
You have low self-esteem
Good self-esteem comes from secure attachment to our caregivers in our infancy and early childhood. If our needs aren’t met by our parents or primary caregivers, it will be difficult for us to feel loved, validated or acknowledged, and we may feel a sense of unworthiness. We may also feel that we’re not good enough, that we don’t deserve better than what we’re experiencing with our partner and that this relationship is the best we could hope for. We can become more securely attached through self-reflection and with the help of a trained, registered counsellor. If you think low self-esteem could be affecting your relationship, complete this questionnaire chrome-extension://efaidnbmnnnibpcajpcglclefindmkaj/https://webassets.aihec.org/BehavioralHealth/Sorensen_Self-Esteem_Test.pdf
Shame
Sometimes, a sense of shame may lead us to feel inadequate or ‘less than’. This can make us feel unworthy, unlovable and disconnected from ourselves and others. If we have low self-esteem that has resulted from shame, we can end up sabotaging our relationships with our romantic partners by behaving in controlling ways, ‘rescuing’ our loved one, or being an excessive people-pleaser; giving excessively and doing too much for them.
You hate to be alone
At times we attach ourselves to another person simply because we hate to be alone. In the online dating world, in particular, many individuals appear on dating apps, disappear for a while, only to reappear again a few months later. Sometimes people are on these sites for years and years! Serial daters usually don’t feel whole or complete as a person; they feel incomplete without a partner, and unfortunately, they seem to repeat the same unhealthy dating patterns time and time again. If you don’t feel whole or complete as a person, and recognise that you simply can’t tolerate being alone even for a short while, if you find yourself recycling yourself on dating apps frequently, you may benefit from counselling with a registered, professional counsellor to identify what underlying issues could be causing you to behave this way and engage in unsatisfying romantic relationships.
So how do we stop settling?
Know that you deserve a great relationship
If you’re struggling with knowing that you deserve a great relationship, it may be time to commit to working on improving your self-esteem. There are many good books out there, but to really see some great improvement, it’s a good idea to get some professional help for the best results.
Set Boundaries
Establish your limits and don’t apologise for, justify or feel the need to explain your boundaries. Be direct, not afraid. If you don’t set healthy boundaries in your relationship, you will end up in the same dysfunctional pattern: pleasing them and not pleasing yourself. If your significant other ignores your boundaries or leaves the relationship because they won’t put up with them, it may hurt for a little while, but in the long run, you spared yourself a lot more pain in the future.
Don’t ignore red flags: Red flags are meant to be a warning to us, so don’t ignore them! At the beginning of a relationship, when we’re all starry-eyed and wearing our rose-tinted glasses, it’s all too easy to ignore red flags. Take red flags, such as a subtle put-down, turning up late, and bad manners, as a big warning sign, and weigh up whether it’s worth continuing in the relationship or not. https://sydneyhillscounselling.com.au/blog/red-flags-are-you-in-an-abusive-relationship/
Relationships can be challenging even if we’re not settling, so if you find yourself settling, be aware that the chances of your relationship working is very slim. Don’t waste your time; there are many people in the world who are available and ready to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
If you find that you are settling in your relationship, it may be time to speak with a registered, professional counsellor. Sydney Hills Counselling will help you to identify the deeper issues which may be contributing to your negative relationship patterns and help you to increase your self-esteem, create healthy boundaries and enjoy happier relationships. We offer face-to-face counselling at our rooms at Castle Hill and West Pennant Hills, online counselling sessions via Zoom video, phone and email counselling. Please call us today on (02) 9159-6277 for a confidential chat or for further information as to how we can help you. You can also email us at [email protected] for further information.
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