Are you able to cope with all of life’s challenges and curveballs? Do you have the ability to understand your emotions, yet not let your feelings control you? A brief definition of Emotional Intelligence is a person’s awareness of their own emotions and the ability to use that awareness in their interactions with others. So, let’s dig a little deeper and discover what Emotional Intelligence is, and how can we improve ours.
Emotional Intelligence, also referred to as one’s EQ, is an individual’s ability to identify their emotions, understand what their feelings are telling them, and recognise how their emotions affect others around them. Our level of emotional intelligence directly affects how we see the world and how we interact with others.
Perhaps the best quote relating to emotional intelligence I have come across to date is a quote from Viktor Frankl’s book, ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”
Viktor Frankl, a neurologist, psychologist (founder of the field of Logotherapy), and holocaust survivor, suggests that when we receive input from another person (the stimulus), we can choose to pause for a moment, giving us ‘space’ to choose our response. The space between what happens to us, our freedom to choose our response, and the impact it can have on our relationship/s and our lives, illustrates that rather than being a product of our conditions, we become a product of our responses. If we pause and consider our response, it gives us the chance to choose our emotions. We then provide ourselves with the opportunity to shift the direction of the conversation or shift the energy in the room. In an emotionally charged encounter, taking the space between the stimulus and our response can help us to remain calm and choose the best response, one that is more positive and productive for that particular situation.
Emotionally intelligent individuals don’t fall into the trap of being governed by their emotions. They have a set of emotional and social skills that generally help them to succeed in building good social and intimate relationships, cope with challenging situations, and allow them to identify and interpret emotional input from others.
Five skills that determine Emotional Intelligence
According to Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of ‘Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ’, there are five skills that emotionally intelligent individuals possess. These are:
Self-Awareness:
Individuals with high emotional intelligence are usually very self-aware. They understand their emotions, and they don’t let them get out of control. Emotionally intelligent individuals are confident, trust their intuition, and are always willing to take an honest look at themselves. They are aware of their strengths and weaknesses and are willing to work on their weaknesses so that they can do better next time.
Good Emotional Regulation (Self-regulation):
Having good emotional regulation is key to being able to control our emotions and impulses. Individuals who have good emotional regulation don’t allow themselves to fly off the handle or make impulsive (and often careless) decisions. They think before they act and often display thoughtfulness, integrity, have the ability to say no and are comfortable with change.
Motivation:
People with a high EQ are motivated and strive for long-term success. They are extremely productive, relish a challenge, and are usually very effective in whatever they do.
Empathy:
Perhaps the second most important skill of emotional intelligence, empathy is one’s ability to identify and understand the wants, needs, and viewpoints of those around them. Individuals who are empathic are good at recognising the feelings of others, even when those feelings may not be obvious. Consequently, empathic people are usually very adept at managing relationships and listening to and relating to others. They avoid judging people too hastily and avoid stereotyping others.
Good Social Skills:
Being easy to talk to is another sign of high emotional intelligence. Those with strong social skills are also usually great team players. Rather than focusing on their own success in the first instance, emotionally intelligent individuals are also committed to helping others develop and excel. They are also good at managing disputes, are excellent communicators, and are masterful at building and maintaining relationships.
Here is a quiz to test your Emotional Intelligence: https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/tests/personality/emotional-intelligence-test
So, how can we improve our Emotional Intelligence?
Good news! Emotional Intelligence can be learned and developed. You can begin by using the following tips:
Observe how you react to others:
Are you quick to judge others before knowing all the facts? Do you tend to stereotype others? Take a good, long, hard look at the way you think and interact with others. Try to put yourself in the other person’s place and be more accepting of their views and needs.
Self-Evaluate:
Determine what your weaknesses are. None of us is perfect, and there’s always room for improvement to become a better person. Have the courage to really look at yourself through an unbiased lens and be honest; it will be life-changing.
Consider how you react in stressful situations:
Do you get upset when things don’t go your way or when there’s a delay? Do you have a meltdown when someone lets you down? The ability to stay calm and in control in difficult situations is a highly valued skill. Keep your emotions under control when things go awry.
Take responsibility for your actions:
If you know that you’ve hurt someone else’s feelings, apologise. Don’t ignore what you did, pretend it never happened, or avoid the person. People are usually more willing to forgive and forget if you make an honest attempt to set things right.
Be aware of how your actions will affect others before you speak or act:
Consider how the other person will feel if you speak or act in a particular way. Put yourself in their place. Consider how you would feel. Would you want to experience someone speaking or acting in that way towards you? If you must take the action, consider how you can lessen any negative impact it could have on the other person.
Improving and developing our EQ provides us with the opportunity to take back control, manage our emotions effectively (positively and in a calm manner), and make more confident choices that will improve our wellbeing, quality of life, and mental health.
Working with a registered clinical counsellor can help you work through the challenges of dealing with stressful situations where your emotions may tend to escalate. Counselling can help you to identify and deal with uncomfortable emotions as well as provide tools to help change the way you regulate your emotions in response to challenging situations. Please contact Sydney Hills Counselling for more information or to book an appointment. Sydney Hills Counselling offers face-to-face individual counselling, couples counselling, and telehealth sessions via Zoom. Please contact us today to see how we can help you. Due to a recent increase in inquiries, contacting us via email at [email protected] rather than calling us will ensure a timely response to your inquiry. You can also leave a voice message on (02) 9159-6277.
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