The topic of shame has become very popular in recent years, with renowned mental health professionals warning us of the effects of toxic shame on our health and well-being. Identifying toxic shame and how it manages to creep into our lives and relationships (particularly our relationship with ourselves) can be complicated. So, what is shame, and what’s healthy, and what’s toxic?
Well-known speaker and author, Brené Brown identifies Toxic Shame as, “…the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0?si=CSuk9akRatRkAIdQ
However. what can confuse us, is being able to determine exactly when toxic shame stealthily creeps into our lives and how it impacts our relationships, particularly with ourselves.
Shame, according to Jungian analysts, is ‘the swampland of the soul’. This metaphor serves to illustrate how we get ‘sucked into’ and become ‘stuck’ and immersed in painful and untrue stories about ourselves which then become our faulty personal narrative. By dragging ourselves through the slimy muck of the toxic shame swamp and shining a light on the origins of our toxic shame, we can allow ourselves to be authentic with others in our lives and end the vicious shame cycle.
The difference between healthy shame and toxic shame:
We start to build a sense of healthy shame when we are very young, from about 15 months to three years old. When a parent or caregiver reprimands us for something we have done, perhaps taking a toy from a sibling, or stealing a biscuit from the biscuit jar, we learn that we have done something to upset someone we care about and who we rely on to meet our needs. Healthy shame provides us with guidance, teaches us about boundaries, keeps us safe from harm, and helps us to adapt to and fit into social norms.
Healthy shame and feelings of guilt help to shape our behaviour and moral principles. It provides us with guidance regarding what is right and wrong when relating to others. Feelings of shame and guilt can arise from situations where we may have broken trust with another person. These uncomfortable feelings encourage us to stop, think, assess, and then choose not to act in a way that can hurt or harm another individual with our anger, unkind words, or behaviour. Shame can also lead to regret, which can lead to anxiety and depression if left unresolved. https://sydneyhillscounselling.com.au/blog/dealing-with-regret/
What is Toxic Shame, and how does it develop?
Toxic shame stems from a fundamental belief that, “I am bad”, “I am broken”, “I am not good enough”, or “I need to hide my real self from the world” Toxic shame tells us that we are the problem. We are not enough and don’t deserve good things to happen to us. It tells us that we don’t deserve true intimacy and connection with others, because at our very core, there is something fundamentally wrong with us that we must hide from others at any cost.
If we have experienced attacks by our parents and/or caregivers, peers, educators, and other significant adult figures, we can internalise their harmful comments and actions, forming the belief early on that this is who we are. Some examples of damaging statements that may contribute to developing toxic shame are:
“You’ll never be as bright as your brother/sister/friend” (when your dream is to become a doctor).
“You’re useless” (when you’ve just tried to please someone and help them out, but didn’t meet their exacting standards).
“You just haven’t got what it takes” (when the promotion you received isn’t as good as the one you were hoping for).
“Just face it, you’re just never going to lose that weight” (when you’ve been dieting like crazy and not getting anywhere).
“You’re an idiot” (when you’ve expressed how you feel and made yourself vulnerable).
When someone’s words don’t match up with how we view ourselves, statements like the ones above, along with actions such as ignoring, constant criticism’ withholding love and/or affection, can invade our sense of self, leaving us feeling empty and filled with toxic shame about who we really are. Our logical minds may be able to distinguish between the truth and the barrage of negative messages we receive about ourselves and who we are, however, our emotional mind often begins to repeat these negative, harmful statements like a mantra on repeat. We then internalise these negative messages about ourselves and our character until they become part of our identity: this is toxic shame.
How Toxic Shame Affects Us
When we develop a deep sense of toxic shame, it can make it difficult for us to form healthy connections with others. Relationships tend to be short-lived rather than be the attuned long-term ones we yearn for. It’s common for individuals who experience toxic shame to believe that once a partner or friend discovers who they really are, they will be abandoned or cast aside for another more worthy person. A person who experiences toxic shame may even isolate and avoid forming relationships and friendships altogether, which will result in them feeling lonely and only further confirms their negative belief, “I don’t deserve good friends / to be loved / that promotion, etc.)
Toxic shame can cause negative or difficult emotions to arise, such as:
Anger towards self-and/or others
Self-pity / self-loathing
Anxiety or fear
Sadness, depression, or a negative outlook on the future
Embarrassment
Toxic shame can also encourage perfectionism in an attempt to prove to ourselves and others that we are worthy. This is often due to an attempt to ‘outdo’ our perceived negative aspects of ourselves and appear to the world as motivated, driven, and above all, successful.
Toxic Shame can lead to Harmful Behaviours:
Living with toxic shame can take a toll on our mental health, as it can be exhausting to always have to ‘cover up’ the fact that we constantly view ourselves as fundamentally flawed, and ‘not good enough’. As a result, some individuals who experience toxic shame can develop unhelpful coping strategies such as substance abuse, gambling addictions, pornography addiction, self-harm, eating disorders, workaholism, etc.
Toxic shame hinders our personal growth because sustaining the image we wish to project about ourselves stunts our self-awareness and healing. This is why being able to recognise the signs of toxic shame is critical to begin the process of healing from it.
So, what can you do if you think you have toxic shame?
Becoming aware of the narrative we keep telling ourselves about ourselves (and keep repeating over and over) is the first step towards healing from toxic shame. These faulty and harmful narratives require a conscious effort to unravel and make sense of. This is not a quick fix and requires a lot of practice.
Firstly, note down any negative self-talk you may find yourself uttering during the course of the day. If you find yourself saying things to yourself such as, “I’m too fat. No one will ever really love me,” pause for a moment and reflect. Ask yourself: ‘Is this really true? Whose words am I repeating?” Then see if you can offer yourself an alternative perspective and say, “Well, that’s not correct; my brother loves me, my sister loves me, my gran loves me!”
It’s necessary to pause in the midst of our ‘shame attack’ and take a realistic account of what is happening to us. Our toxic shame cycle can trigger our fight-flight-freeze response, especially if we are involved in a challenging situation or argument with a significant other. Toxic shame can tend to hijack our brain because the part of our brain wired for a well-considered, logical response shuts down and the survival or more primitive part of our brain takes over. By taking time to pause and re-evaluate a difficult situation, we can give ourselves ‘space’ and bring our ‘thinking brain’ back into the conversation.
When we find ourselves in the midst of a toxic shame cycle, we can tend to lose empathy for ourselves and others. We can view ourselves as being inherently bad and view others with distrust and doubt. If we learn to respond with compassion to our mistakes and understand that we all make mistakes and that we’re all imperfect, this can be very helpful in breaking the cycle of toxic shame.
If you live with toxic shame, working with a registered, professional counsellor can help you to uncover and address its origins and provide you with the support and tools to help you heal from it. Please contact Sydney Hills Counselling for more information. Sydney Hills Counselling is offers face-to-face sessions and Telehealth sessions via ZoomPlease contact us today to see how we can help you. Due to a recent increase in inquiries, contacting us via email [email protected] rather than calling us, will ensure a timely response to your inquiry. You can also leave a voice message on (02) 9159-6277.
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