Natasha (not her real name) came to see me recently about a recent breakup she had experienced. She described the relationship she had been in with Jesse (not his real name) as brief but very intense. The early weeks and months were a blur of heady perfection. Jesse appeared so caring, attentive, generous and enthusiastic. He lavished attention on Natasha every single day with phone calls and sweet messages loaded with emoticons, insisted on mid-week catch-ups because he couldn’t bear to be away from her for too long, took her out for expensive meals, sent flowers to her workplace, bought her gifts of perfume and jewellery; however, quite abruptly, things seemed to change. Natasha had been love-bombed. Love Bombing is a manipulation tactic. Here is what you need to know.
So, what Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing is a type of emotional manipulation that narcissists and other toxic predators often use. They often use extravagant means to win someone’s affection by showering them with attention, affection, gifts and promises of an idyllic future. These gestures generally signify a level of commitment disproportionate to the length of time (usually weeks) the two individuals have been seeing each other.
Love bombing actually has nothing to do with love at all. It’s merely a selfish pursuit of another person’s adoration with the goal of reeling their love interest in, simply because it boosts the love bomber’s ego. It’s not about true feelings of fondness or care. The love bomber sees the love interest as being no different to a shiny new object that has captured their attention in the moment.
The reality is that we can’t really know someone in a few weeks, or even in a few months, to know that we’re ‘meant to be’. Love bombing, by its very nature, is so seductive that it can hurt us so badly when it moves into the next inevitable stages.
So why do we fall for someone who love-bombs us?
Quite simply, we all have an intrinsic need to feel good about who we are. We may be more vulnerable to a love bomber if we have low self-esteem or if our childhood needs weren’t met by our parents or caregivers. When we have low self-esteem, love bombing provides us with this validation and works like a drug; we want more of what makes us feel so good. When we’re being love-bombed, we get a massive rush of feel-good hormones. The hormones Serotonin and Dopamine flood our brains, and these love hormones can make us blind to any manipulation tactics that are being used to reel us in.
Some common examples of love bombing are:
They will shower you with attention from the beginning of the relationship. They call and text constantly to get into your space.
They want to get serious straight away.
They will often say, “We have so much in common!”
They commonly devalue or put down their ex (and of course, they will claim they were the perfect partner!)
They ‘bomb’ you with compliments, flattery and praise
They become a chameleon; they mimic you. They say they love the same things as you do, see things the same way as you do, and, of course, are sensitive and kind, just like you are.
They often show up unannounced to spend time with you.
They instigate lots of romantic conversations and talk about a ‘future together’ very early on.
Their gestures feel like ‘too much, too soon’
They shower you with gifts and flowers at a pace that’s quite intense.
They often say something along the lines of, “I think I’m falling in love with you” in the very early stages of the relationship.
They will often say, “I can’t wait for you to meet my family”, or “My family can’t wait to meet you”.
They will often say (or something similar to), “You’re ‘The One” or “We’re meant to be” in the very early stages of the relationship.
Love bombing isn’t just limited to the above gestures and phrases. There are many more, but one feature these individuals all have in common is that these behaviours are usually ‘too much’ and happen, ‘too quickly’ in the very early stages of a relationship.
Here, Dr Ramani Durvasula, author of the bestseller, ‘It’s Not You’, reveals the tell-tale signs of Love Bombing
Love bombing is a predatory tactic used mainly by narcissists and other toxic individuals to meet their need for narcissistic supply. In the first stage of a relationship with a narcissist, the narcissist invests a lot of time and effort in grooming their mate to be a good source of supply. Since narcissists can’t function independently, they must find a new source of narcissistic supply immediately after they have discarded or ‘lost’ their previous source of supply. Some even groom a new source of narcissistic supply before discarding the old one. Narcissists don’t view their source of ‘supply’ as individuals; rather, they view them as objects who they believe will be a source of reliable supply. https://sydneyhillscounselling.com.au/blog/is-there-a-narcissist-in-your-life/
Unfortunately, love bombing usually follows the predictable pattern of idealisation, devaluation, followed by the final discard, which is often sudden and brutal. Victims often feel a shift, where the narcissist stops showering them with love and affection and becomes disparaging and dismissive of them, or cold and withdrawn. This happens most commonly when they do something that displeases the narcissist. They may be feeling tired and/or unwell and want to postpone their date with the narcissist. This can lead the narcissist to punish them by withdrawing and becoming silent or angry. This happens because the narcissist may feel as if they are losing their power, their control over the other person; they then seek to punish them to regain their control.
So, what can you do if you think you’re being love-bombed?
If you feel that you can relate to any of the above information, you may be a victim of love bombing. If you have any real concerns, having an honest conversation with your love interest regarding your concerns that the relationship is moving too fast for you, is first and foremost. Your love interest’s response will tell you everything you need to know. Are they really listening to your concerns, or are they talking over you, dismissing your concerns as silly, trying to change your mind or making you question yourself?
Some prudent advice here is this: Someone who is using love bombing as a way to manipulate you into getting into a relationship with them at a fast pace is not emotionally healthy. They are simply out for speedy gratification and are mostly incapable of weathering the ups and downs that are part and parcel of a long-term, emotionally healthy relationship. If your love interest refuses to take your concerns seriously or uses any manipulative tactic to get their way, take that as a sign to get out while you can and end the relationship permanently.
If you (or someone you know) believes that you may be in a relationship with someone who uses any of the manipulative techniques outlined above, it can be very helpful to seek support from a professional, registered counsellor, especially if you believe that your significant other may be a narcissist. At Sydney Hills Counselling, we offer professional counselling to address challenges encountered in dating, relationships and narcissistic abuse. If you would like help to work through issues related to any of these challenges, please contact us today on 9159-6277 or via email at [email protected].
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