Sarah (not her real name) came to see me because she was in love; however, she felt confused as to where things were in her current relationship. She said that today she could feel blissfully happy and on top of the world, and tomorrow, she could find herself feeling anxious and unsure as to where things were at. What Sarah came to find out was, is it love or infatuation?
Sarah had been seeing her man Tony (not his real name) for eight months and felt that, although everything seemed to be going well, they should be moving forward in their relationship by now.
In the first few months, things seemed perfect and wonderful; however, she still felt unsure of where things were headed. Whilst Tony appeared to be attentive most of the time, at times he would treat her casually. He would fail to respond to her text messages as promptly as he had earlier in their relationship, and Sarah felt that he didn’t seem as enthusiastic about making an effort to please her as he once had. Sarah lamented, “In the beginning, Tony spoke a lot about us building a future together, and now he’s talking about taking an overseas trip by himself!”. Whilst Tony says that he loves her, Sarah is beginning to have her doubts.
When we meet a person and feel an intense attraction towards them, this is commonly known as infatuation. People commonly mistake the heady, intoxicating feelings that accompany infatuation for love. The feel-good hormones that accompany infatuation can temporarily ‘blind’ us to any imperfections in our loved one, or worse still, make us ignore any obvious red flags. Undeniably, many happy couples start by being infatuated with their significant other. If, however, we accept that these hormone-driven feelings will eventually become less intense after a short while and that the rose-tinted glasses we have been viewing our beloved through will eventually be replaced by the clear lenses of reality, it will be less of a shock to us as to whom we are in a relationship with. The ‘reality’ of seeing another as they really are will either be something we can accept and move forward with or simply walk away from.
So, what is infatuation?
Infatuation is what happens when we first meet someone and feel a magnetic attraction towards them. It’s a state of fervent admiration for someone based on what we think we know about them; a fantasy we project onto them. We may find ourselves thinking about them all the time and will enthusiastically go out of our way to be around them whenever we can. Infatuation is, by its very nature, a static condition. It’s characterised by blissful passion but lacks growth and rarely grows into anything more meaningful. It’s also generally lacking in the attributes real love possesses: safety, trust, loyalty, commitment and reciprocity. Deal breakers can erode these attributes early in a relationship and can be red flags to take seriously https://sydneyhillscounselling.com.au/blog/deal-breakers-are-a-big-deal/
Try this quick quiz to see whether you may be infatuated or in love https://www.marriage.com/quizzes/love-or-infatuation-quiz
What is love?
Love is a healthy relationship that grows between two individuals where they love and accept each other, support each other, allow the other to see both their strengths and their weaknesses and work as a team to build their dreams and meet their shared goals. Love is built on trust, commitment, loyalty and a desire to make the other feel happy, safe, secure and contented.
There is a definite connection between love and infatuation. When we are attracted to someone, we can feel dizzy and high from our ‘feel good’ neurotransmitters, dopamine and serotonin; sometimes this can make us unable to spot any red flags that may indicate that our ‘situationship’ can’t ever develop into a serious love relationship.
So, how do we know whether we’re stuck in an infatuation or whether it is something deeper?
Infatuation is instantaneous:
Love, on the other hand, is something that builds steadily over a longer period. We build a connection with our significant other that is based on shared values, trust, respect, loyalty and commitment.
Infatuation feels like an exciting roller-coaster ride, whilst love feels like a cruise on calm waters:
There are a lot of exhilarating highs when we’re infatuated with another person, but there can also be some distressing lows. We can feel that we’re not quite sure whether the other person’s feelings towards us are truly genuine or if we can completely trust them; this can make us feel unsettled and anxious. Infatuation can make us feel insecure, whereas if someone truly loves us, we feel secure and can comfortably be ourselves.
Infatuation refuses to see the other’s flaws
Infatuation places the ‘adored one’ on a pedestal; they become unrealistically ‘perfect’, placed above all others and can do no wrong. Love, on the other hand, develops when two people can accept each other’s positive traits and their flaws. When we are infatuated with someone, we think they are perfect; we know we love them when we realise that they aren’t and that it doesn’t matter.
Infatuation leads us to try to be what we think the other wants us to be:
Infatuated lovers have been known to take some extreme measures when trying to be what their lover wants. Some have been known to change their hair colour, buy expensive clothes and jewellery and spend outrageous amounts of money they usually don’t have, to impress or please their lover. Of course, when we love someone, we want to make them feel special and loved, but the real difference is that when we love someone, we can think rationally about what we’re doing, spend only what we can afford to, and act in ways that are thoughtful without feeling the need to constantly please them or ‘keep’ them.
When we’re infatuated with someone, we can become distracted from our daily lives:
We may neglect our family, friends and important commitments. We can tend to let important things slide and neglect things that were once important to us. Love, on the other hand, allows us to be ourselves, feel safe and secure and therefore function well in our everyday lives.
Conflict can cause chaos when we’re infatuated:
When conflict arises when we’re infatuated with another person, it can throw us into a state of chaos and overwhelm, causing drama and anguish. If we’re in a relationship where we love each other, we will be able to navigate any conflict that arises, negotiate and grow from it.
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) can lead us to experience more intense infatuations:
If we experienced any trauma in our childhood, it could lead us to become excessively needy or even obsessive in our intimate relationships. Becoming infatuated and idealising another person can also make us ‘blind’ to the idealised person’s flaws and make us either pursue them more vigorously for intimacy or withdraw from them if we fear it. Intense infatuations can lead to a lot of unhealthy behaviours being played out, for the most part, leading to drama and co-dependency.
Endless infatuations and a lack of real connection can be exhausting and have negative consequences for our mental health. Some of these consequences are loneliness, anxiety, depression and at times, more serious mental health disorders. If you constantly find yourself on a non-stop roundabout of endless infatuations, then please consider contacting us today for support. We can help you to change the way you relate to others and attract and maintain healthier relationships.
Sydney Hills Counselling offers face-to-face counselling sessions and telehealth sessions. Please call us today on (02) 9159-6277 for a confidential chat or for further information on how we can help you. You can also email us at [email protected] for further information.
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