Showing kindness, doing things for others, being helpful, and being the perfect partner; these are personal attributes that many people possess, and although they may seem like admirable personal qualities, in some cases, these attributes also have a way of contributing to unhealthy relationship patterns. Unhealthy people-pleasing can be defined as overfunctioning in other people’s lives and underfunctioning in our own lives to the detriment of their own personal well-being. If people-pleasing becomes a pattern in our behaviour, it can at times allow others to manipulate us, take advantage of us, or, at the very least, act insensitively towards us.
Jenny (not her real name) was a successful customer service manager. She came to see me because she was feeling empty and drained, and suspected that it might be because she always seemed to be living her life focused on other people’s happiness and well-being instead of her own. These are typical traits of a people pleaser https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/people-pleasingalso shared that she was always conscious of how other people might perceive her and tended to adjust her behaviour, looks, and conversation to try to please them. Jenny had learned to view herself through the lens of how she believed others viewed her. Jenny was becoming unhappy, resentful, and exhausted from always trying to please others.
People-pleasing can be exhausting and can leave us feeling frustrated, angry, and browbeaten. People-pleasers like to be seen as ‘good people’ and believe that by being this way, others will like them more. The thing about people-pleasing is that our health and well-being can end up suffering because we are too busy attending to other people’s needs to practice proper self-care. We may also find ourselves becoming increasingly resentful of having to over-extend ourselves for others and find ourselves in situations where we are being taken advantage of.
So why do we feel the need to please others? Often, when we are pleasing others, it may stem from a feeling that we’re just ‘not good enough’. It can make us fearful that people will not want to be around us unless they have a good reason to. We may find ourselves doing anything and everything possible to avoid someone disliking us or having an excuse to reject us. We may even try to make ourselves so ‘good’ that it makes us rejection-proof. Sadly, this doesn’t work, and often, despite our best efforts, we may be rejected anyway.
People-pleasers often display common patterns:
They often feel responsible for other people’s issues or behaviour.
A primary feature in healthy relationships is the willingness of each person to be responsible for their own personal issues. For instance, if one partner has an anger management issue, it is their responsibility to recognise it and take the necessary steps to bring it under control.
Somewhere along the way in our lives (usually in our early years), those of us who are people pleasers have come to believe the erroneous idea that we are responsible for other people’s moods. Perhaps we had a parent or primary caregiver whose moods seemed to swing like a frenzied pendulum, between tolerable and intolerable. We then learned to become cautious and hypervigilant as we learned to dance around someone else’s unpredictable and sometimes aggressive behaviour, hoping our efforts to please them would make that person’s mood change or that they would adopt a more positive state of mind.
While it is good to work towards achieving a harmonious outcome when dealing with relationship issues, people-pleasers usually go too far in doing whatever has to be done to minimise what others are responsible for.
People pleasers often ‘enable’ others’ insensitive behaviour towards them.
People can be unappreciative, lazy, unwilling to compromise, and manipulative. This sounds harsh; however, it can nonetheless be a reality. Unfortunately, when we act in pleasing ways, there is a possibility that the person we are trying to please will be thinking, “This person is so willing to do anything for me that I can pretty much get them to do anything.” This presents the perfect opportunity for the person having these thoughts to indulge their own selfish desires.
They are more than likely creating unhealthy relationship patterns:
People pleasers ultimately play into improper relationship patterns because they choose not to admit the reality of what’s really happening. As an example, a spouse may overlook their partner’s overspending for the sake of keeping the peace, and a parent may choose to overlook a child’s selfishness, believing it would create more problems to try to confront the problem. Usually, people-pleasers will rationalise that they are merely trying to get along as best as they can with these other people.
The sad reality is that people-pleasers may feel intimidated or may not want to be bothered with the extra effort it would take to escape someone else’s manipulative or insensitive ways.
They generally have a lack of self-worth or may have been made to feel unimportant in the past.
People with low self-esteem often put the needs and desires of others above their own. It can be easy to fall into the trap of people-pleasing if you don’t value yourself or lack confidence in your abilities. Seeking approval and validation from external sources (such as friends, family, or colleagues) can feel like the only way to feel good about yourself. Over time, this creates a pattern where your self-esteem depends heavily on the opinions and approval of others, leaving you vulnerable to being exploited by others or facing emotional burnout. https://sydneyhillscounselling.com.au/blog/identifying-our-core-beliefs-are-your-unhelpful-core-beliefs-holding-you-back/
So, how do you stop people-pleasing?
Here are a few tips:
Say no to the small things first:
Start with small issues first; things you know may be easier for you to say no to.
Start expressing your opinions:
Expressing a different opinion to another person will not cause you to lose friends or relationships if done in a positive way. If you don’t agree with someone else’s opinion, you can simply say, “I can see why you would think that, but I have another view…”
Make, “I’ll get back to you’ on that” your standard catchphrase:
This phrase is a winner. It sends a clear message to the other person that you are feeling ambivalent about fulfilling their request and makes you feel more at ease than saying a direct ‘no’.
Limit your available time:
You can always agree to help someone; however, let them know in advance that you only have a certain amount of time available to help them.
Set clear boundaries and be consistent:
If people close to you are used to you always being available to them, it may be challenging for you to let them know that you have moved the goalposts and that you’re no longer so eager to meet their demands. The best way to do this is to set boundaries and maintain them. X Close family members, in particular, can be notoriously persistent or manipulative in getting you to renege on your agreements. Be consistent and stand your ground! https://sydneyhillscounselling.com.au/blog/boundaries-why-are-they-important/
Ignore the consequences:
Once you’ve made up your mind, don’t become too worried or anxious that the other person may think less of you. As long as you declined in a considerate and respectful way, don’t look back. You haven’t done anything wrong.
The impact of people pleasing can be significant, often leading to the consequences of emotional exhaustion, anxiety, and strained relationships. Committing to becoming more self-aware, setting healthy boundaries, and changing negative core beliefs about self worth can help to overcome this unhelpful habit. Counselling can offer tools, insights, and support to help you break free from unhelpful people-pleasing patterns.
If you or someone you know would benefit from professional help to overcome people-pleasing tendencies and unhealthy relationship patterns, please call Sydney Hills Counselling on (02) 9159-6277 today for a confidential chat. Sydney Hills Counselling offers face-to-face counselling sessions and telehealth sessions via Zoom.
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