Many of us have encountered the following scenario: You’ve just met someone new, and soon after you introduce yourselves, they’re off and running with a personal story about their ex-partner and how they just wouldn’t commit, or how their ex cheated on them multiple times all in agonising and explicit detail! Even though you have just met, they are more than happy to share the most intimate details of their life with you! This is a typical case of oversharing, and while many of us may have been guilty of it to a lesser degree, some people tend to overshare so much more than others, and not realise that it could be making their listener feel extremely uncomfortable.
We typically overshare with others because we’re either feeling nervous or on the other hand, we may feel very comfortable with the person we’re chatting to. When people overshare, their primary need is to connect with another person. Anxiety can be the driver behind those who overshare, as well as loneliness. Loneliness can leave us feeling starved of connection with others. As our brain knows that our very survival depends on connection with others, a desperate need to connect with another person can sometimes see our social skills being hijacked by oversharing. This can sometimes lead to us forming unhealthy friendships and/or relationships. https://sydneyhillscounselling.com.au/blog/friendships-whats-healthy-whats-not/
Oversharing can also indicate a lack of boundaries and/or an inability to ‘read’ one’s audience. Oversharing can also indicate a sense of inadequacy or low self-esteem; it can be an unconscious way to prove to others that we really do have value. On the other hand, it can also mean the extreme opposite; a narcissist may overshare to make sure they are heard.
We all differ regarding what we deem healthy disclosure and oversharing. Someone sharing details about a recent breakup may evoke very different reactions from different audiences. One person may find the disclosure mildly interesting and show empathy. At the same time, another may see it as too much information and attempt to end the conversation or change the subject quickly. Yet another person may dive deep into the disclosure and want to hear more of the details; it all depends on our audience’s comfort level.
There are also several ways people overshare with others; in-person and online through social media. People sometimes overshare details of their relationship woes, the fight they just had with a friend or something that happened at their workplace. Through social media, we are sometimes exposed to people sharing more of themselves and their private lives, some even going as far as sharing their daily thoughts publicly for all the world to read! A client recently spoke of feeling mortified and embarrassed by a date tagging him as her ‘new love’ and updating her relationship status, after their second date!
Sometimes when we meet someone and there’s some very strong chemistry, we can find ourselves oversharing. To our absolute delight, we may find that our romantic interest joins in with their own equally candid disclosure. As a rule of thumb, it’s best to learn to limit what we share with others, particularly in the early stages of dating or friendship, taking care not to disclose too much too soon. We need to decide whether the person we are communicating with needs to know the information we are sharing or whether it’s going to benefit our connection with them in any way. It’s helpful to learn to classify the information we share with others as ‘need to know’ (I have kids who live at home, I work shifts), ‘nice to know’ (hobbies, interests, holiday traditions etc.) or ‘not necessary to know’ (family information, personal information, medical information, confidential information etc.)
Some topics should be avoided in the early stages of dating or friendships:
Messy past relationships (speaking generally about past relationships is acceptable in a general way; most of us have some relationship history after all).
Embarrassing and/or numerous relationship ‘fails’
Family problems or estrangements
Personal problems
Sexual history, experience or preferences
Health issues, unless it’s essential information they need to know.
Work problems
Personal trauma
Once two people become better acquainted and a close relationship develops, sharing more of themselves will happen naturally, but sharing too much early on, may scare a potentially suitable partner or friend away and could make us seem less desirable in their eyes. Not many of us want to invest our time and energy into a person who has more personal baggage than an airport luggage carousel. Wouldn’t we all prefer someone who greets us with an optimistic attitude and who is looking forward to a positive future? If a date or friend overshares and you’re not comfortable about what they are disclosing, you can tell them that you’d prefer to take things slowly and not share information that’s too personal, too soon; it’s best to establish healthy boundaries from the outset.
Remember this when disclosing personal information; take it slowly and make sure that any disclosure is reciprocated. Conversation between two people should always be evenly balanced and we should also take some time to hone our active listening skills; after all, we have been given two ears and one mouth for a reason. Active listening and having a few good general topics of conversation to engage in, can either make or break a date or catch-up with a new friend.
Here are some tips to stop oversharing:
Learn to recognise your real intention for oversharing:
Explore the reasons that you may want to share this information. Is it going to benefit the person you are communicating with to know about this? Is it important ‘need to know’ information? Consider journalling your feelings and experiences before you share them with others. Mindfulness is also a helpful practice to recognise what you are really thinking or feeling.
Low self-esteem may be the cause of oversharing:
If you feel that low self-esteem may be causing you to overshare and get the attention you are craving, it’s a good idea to increase your self-esteem by finding healthier ways to feel good about yourself. https://www.relate.org.uk/how-your-self-esteem-affecting-your-relationships
Childhood trauma, chronic anxiety, ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder may sometimes contribute to why some people overshare:
In this case, finding professional support is advisable, to help you work through the issues that lead you to overshare with others and to also bring about real change.
If you (or someone you know) find that oversharing is something you can’t seem to control, and suspect that it may be causing difficulties for you in your relationships, friendships, socially or in work situations, speaking with a registered, professional counsellor may help you to discover the reasons behind this complex issue and guide you towards making some positive, relational changes with others. For further information, or to schedule a counselling session contact us today on (02) 9159-6277 for a confidential chat on how we can help you, or you can email us at [email protected].
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