Today is Red Flag Day in Australia. One in three women will experience violence from an intimate partner or family member in their lifetime and as the escalation of gender based crime continues in Australia, Red Flag Day has been launched to create change.
“This year in Australia, 72 women have been murdered due to domestic and family violence, that’s one every four to five days in our country,” Rachael Natoli CEO of the Lokahi Foundation
It isn’t always possible to tell whether physical abuse in a relationship could become an issue in an intimate relationship, however, certain factors can increase the risk of intimate partner violence. It’s essential to be aware of the red flags that indicate that a relationship might become violent and what to do if you feel like your safety (or life) is at risk.
All relationships all have their ups and downs, so it can sometimes be difficult to gauge whether you may be experiencing a mere rough patch or if you are actually in an abusive relationship. What makes it difficult to discern is that abusive partners will often offer torrid chemistry, intense passion and can be extraordinarily attentive and charming at the beginning of a relationship, making it all too easy to fall under their hypnotic spell. This is why it’s important to be able to recognise the warning signs of abuse. Without knowing the warning signs, abuse can escalate and lead to emotional trauma, physical violence and sometimes sadly, tragedy.
So how can someone know if they are experiencing abuse?
Here are some red flags to look out for:
Love Bombing
At the beginning of a relationship abusers often appear to be the ‘perfect’ partner. This strategy is used to hook their partner in. Love bombing is a term used for when a toxic partner showers you with compliments, attention and gifts to win you over before showing their true colours. These individuals often use these tactics to sweep you off your feet and often push you to become involved with them very quickly. They’re also too quick off the mark to say, “I love you” and rush you to commit to them by moving in together, getting engaged or having a baby. The more commitment these individuals can get from you, the harder it can be to leave the relationship.
They don’t respect your right to privacy
Abusive partners often come across as insecure and may frequently accuse their partner of cheating, quite often because they are hiding something themselves. If a partner invades your privacy in any of the following ways, they’re not showing a healthy level of trust and respect.
They constantly question where you are going and who you are spending your time with
They expect you to check in with them all the time
They monitor your phone, email, and social media
They tell you to send photos to prove your location
They calculate your kilometres and times to verify your whereabouts
They get others to spy on you or just ‘show up’ to monitor you
They isolate you from your family and friends
In a healthy relationship, both partners should be able to maintain their friendships and identities outside of their relationship. In an abusive relationship, the abuser creates an ‘us’ versus ‘them’ situation, making you feel guilty for any time you spend away from them and maligning those close to you. They may discourage you from seeing your friends and they may even create drama so that your friends may avoid wanting to spend time with you.
They become controlling
At the beginning of an abusive relationship, a partner may say things such as, “I don’t like you wearing that skirt because guys will hit on you” or “Wear a lighter colour lipstick. That red makes you look cheap.” These controlling behaviours are often used by an abuser to gain control. It’s not healthy for a partner to demand or influence your choice of clothing or appearance, your hobbies, your employment, or the way you spend your money.
They pick petty fights
Abusive partners tend to pick fights over anything at all, usually starting with petty issues that often escalate to bigger ones. They do this to test how much you will put up with. They tend to have two personalities: the nice loving partner in one moment and the nasty, explosive partner in the next. Unfortunately, your friends and family will only tend to see the good side of them causing some friends and family members to not believe that you are being abused.
They criticise you constantly
In a healthy relationship, both partners want to see each other do well and succeed. On the other hand, an abusive partner wants their partner to feel worthless so that they won’t leave them. They achieve this by criticising and humiliating their partner, telling them that no one else would want them and by denigrating their accomplishments. Regardless of whether the abuse ever escalates to physical violence, verbal and emotional abuse can create significant trauma.
They ‘Gaslight’ you
‘Gaslighting’ is a tactic abusive partners use to make their partner believe that they are the problem or to make their partner question their own sanity. Abusive partners who use gaslighting may also convince their partner that they are mentally unwell or ‘just too sensitive’. It’s a common technique used by an abusive partner where they blame you for their actions and make baseless accusations to take the focus off their own actions. Some examples of gaslighting are:
“That never happened.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re crazy!”
“I’m sorry you think that I hurt you.”
“You made me do it!”
Patterns of abuse that include physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, threats, isolation, blaming, intimidation, and minimising is known as ‘coercive control’. You can take this short self-assessment to identify whether coercive control might be present in your relationship. https://yourtoolkit.com/questionnaire/ccsa/?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_Jf668qSigMVoiGDAx0jThSdEAAYAyAAEgKL1PD_BwE
Sadly, many individuals who are in abusive relationship often find themselves making excuses for their partner’s bad behaviour: It’s quite common for abusive individuals to blame their partner for their poor behaviour, and for their partner to make excuses for them. Rationalising a partner’s bad behaviour is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. If you find yourself regularly saying such things as, “You don’t know them like I do”, “They didn’t mean it”, or “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have…” If this sounds familiar, you may need to ask yourself whether your excuses are actually covering up for your partner’s abusive behaviour.
If you are experiencing abuse, you may feel hopeless and think that you can’t escape. It’s important to know that abuse is never acceptable and that there is support which can help you to get out and move towards a brighter future. If you or someone you love is involved in a relationship that involves emotional and psychological abuse you may benefit from talking to a registered, clinical counsellor. Sydney Hills Counselling is also an approved Victims Services Counselling service https://sydneyhillscounselling.com.au/counselling-services/victims-services-counselling/. If you would like to schedule a consultation or seek further advice, please call Sydney Hills Counselling on (02) 9159-6277 today for a confidential chat. Sydney Hills Counselling offers face-to-face and tele-health sessions via Zoom, telephone counselling, and email counselling. Please contact us today to see how we can help you. Due to a recent increase in inquiries, contacting us via email at [email protected] rather than calling us, will ensure a timely response to your inquiry. You can also leave a voice message at (02) 9159-6277.
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